


Spider-Man Versus the World: Or How Peter Parker Learned to Stop Smiling and Fear the Avengers

by EstherRomanov



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Ready or Not (2019), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: DC exists but only as pure fiction, F/F, F/M, Harley is Bucky and Tony's son, M/M, Multiverse, No Beta, We Die Like Men, Weddings, a little sprinkle of DC references, an alternate universe where Tony Stark didn't die, attempt at comedy, based on a movie trailer, cause I'm a DC fan too, established winteriron, evil Avengers kinda, hide and seek in the Avengers Compound, kill me, prepare for a lot of OOC, the Avengers want Peter Parker dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-09-27 01:23:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20399359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstherRomanov/pseuds/EstherRomanov
Summary: Based on “Ready or Not” trailer, you know, the Samara Weaving starrer. I say ‘trailer’ because the time I was writing this, the movie hasn’t come out yet. I watched the trailer and I was like,huh, that’s a good prompt. The rest I was just carried away.Play hide and seek they said, it will be fun they said, after this a honeymoon in Wakanda they said. Well they should’ve told Peter that that honeymoon could only happen granted he stays alive the rest of the night.





	1. Oh My Love, My Darling, We've Hungered For Your Blood

Events after Thanos sucked it in hell are pretty slow. Rebuilding society after destruction always is. It was a waltz of grieving, jubilation and rebuilding; mourning, jubilation and working. But the world managed thanks to the Avengers. Five more years after Thanos’ endgame, no more trace of that universal mishap is to be traced – except in the hearts of few bitter souls that is who used that event to justify their everyday villainy. It is both sad and confusing to Peter Parker how after that worldwide tragedy that should’ve united us all, bad people still exists. Supervillains still arise every now and then. And muggers and rapists and corrupt government officials still roam the streets. Even so, new breed of superheroes turns up too, so possibly things aren’t half as bad. Perfectly balanced as all things should be, as quoted from a deceased purple maniac. 

For that five years post-Thanos, Peter juggles between Spiderman and his studies. It is a hell of a challenge, but Aunt May always knows the right words to say to keep him going. And while before Mr. Stark and the rest of the Avengers are always on his tail to keep tabs on him, over time they let him grow and respect him as a superhero of his own. They should – he is a man now, barely a boy, about to receive his college degree in year or two and is ready to step up for another adult commitment – marrying that man who gave him a hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. 

Harley Keener commanded Peter’s respect right off the bat after the latter returned from the snap. A mechanic of the same vein as Mr. Stark, Harley had been engineering a lot of great stuffs after the snap to help the Avengers who were left behind. Harley had become Mr. Stark’s support in Peter’s absence. He was the glue that united the despondent Iron Man and the wrecked Winter Soldier, made them forgive, made them set aside their differences to work together to bring back Captain America, Spiderman, and the rest of the heroes from the snap. That Mr. Stark and Mr. Barnes actually got married because of that boy who made them see things in a different light, and adopted him as he was still an orphaned minor at that time, all in a year before Scott Lang reappears to grace the earth with new hope and suggest to them the idea of time travel. And when the war with Thanos and his cronies broke, Harley fought alongside the Avengers as Iron Lad. While the gauntlet was being passed around between Captain Marvel to Valkyrie to the Black Panther and to Spiderman away from the enemies, Iron Lad was beside the Incredible Hulk with a device that he made that would help the green giant recover half of his strength back. Incredible Hulk did heal and did snap his fingers for the second time. The rest is, as they say, history. The Hulk became the world’s hero. However, this popularity Banner can’t take, making him run away after he completely recovered from the war injuries and hide with the memories of the still dead Black Widow. 

Anyway, Peter remembers to this day Harley’s face after Thanos completely disappeared. On his face was a bright expression, a happy and relieved smile, an I-can’t-believe-we-actually-did-it smile; such a beautiful expression that made Peter think of sunrise on the first day of summer vacation during elementary. Next thing Peter sees was Wakanda’s White Wolf pulling Mr. Stark for a tight embrace, and Harley laughing loudly, interrupting the two adults before joining their hug (that moment, Peter has still no idea what the big deal was between the three that made them share an almost familial lovely moment. And who can blame Peter? He just got back from an unknown place then pulled to action to stop Thanos once and for all). 

“Good job, kid,” Peter heard Mr. Barnes tell Harley. 

Mr. Stark looked over Harley’s shoulder and saw the shocked figures of Mr. Rogers and him from their display. Mr. Stark motioned them over to join them. 

“We won, Mr. Stark,” Peter said, breathless, as he did crowd beside Harley and his billionaire mentor while Mr. Rogers draped over him. 

Tony’s warm smile to him made him older, tired and happy to Peter, made him wonder what those five years had been like to his beloved mentor. “We did, kid,” said Tony. 

“I think you’re forgetting about us,” Thor teased, heaving Hulk on his shoulder. He embraced Mr. Barnes from behind, and he’s followed by Ant Man, then Falcon, then the Wasp, then the rest… only the Black Panther and Dr. Strange didn’t join the group hug, only looking at them approvingly from afar. They only disentangled when it was obvious Hulk needed medical attention. Peter only left the group when Director Fury ushered everyone away so they could rest on their homes. Peter walked away from the compound with unexplained emotions when he heard Mr. Stark, Mr. Barnes and Harley were all to leave to the same destination, same household. _Who is Harley to them? What is he really like?_ He asked to no one. Maybe he’ll find out the next days, possibly (hopefully) when the both of them are in the same mission. 

But Harley retired from being Iron Lad after the war. Explaining to Peter, he said he only donned the suit due to the crisis; what he really wanted is to help in the background, build weapons, update armors and invent new gadgets for the Avengers, just like what his adoptive father is doing. He started living in the Avengers’ Compound, and every time Peter comes to visit or is called for a meeting, he always sees the Keener lad in Tony’s lab, hunched over a project assisted by his very own bot he named Dalmatian. 

Maybe because they are the same age that Peter has this pull to hang around with Harley. Peter was shy at first but Harley is so confident and so easy to talk to that Peter can’t help but fall for his charms. For the moments of hanging around with Harley, it makes him forget of the jealousy he feels knowing that another boy his age has gotten Mr. Stark’s attention – and adopted him, too! It is not fair, Peter reasons to himself. It is not Harley’s fault that he got snapped and Harley didn’t. Most importantly, he should be thankful that someone was there for Mr. Stark when all things went bad. 

Peter saw Harley one night outside the compound – a peculiar sight. The dirty blond was drinking a cup of presumably coffee on the bench. Dalmatian was rolling around him, beeping. The master and bot noticed his arrival. Harley looked at him expectantly, Dalmatian rolled away to the car park, and Peter was sure he swallowed his tongue. 

“Well?” Harley prompted. 

“Y-yeah. I think it’s a great night, too. Cold, breezy. And with the stars! A perfect night for stargazing, I bet.” 

“What the hell?” 

“I mean, someone like you could appreciate the sight. Isn’t that why you are outside your lab?” 

“No. I am outside because those two perverted men decided to grab the opportunity while I was on pee break to fuck in the lab,” Harley explained. “There’s no way I am going back while they – forget it. I am positive you don’t want to hear what I saw.” 

“I don’t,” Peter agreed. “But by two perverted men you mean Mr. Barnes and Mr. Stark?” 

“Who else?” Harley drank from the paper cup one last time before crushing it and tossing it inside a nearby bin. 

“Oh,” was what Peter could only say. He sat beside Harley and they both stared into nothingness. He could hear Sam’s faint _‘I’ll kill you, you fucking bot!’_ from the car park beyond and Dalmatian’s robotic shrill. 

“I hope you don’t think I stole Tony from you. Or replace you,” Harley said suddenly that made Peter’s heart skip a beat from the mean truthfulness of the accusation. “Because that’s what you think, right?” 

“What?! No!” Peter protested. “I don’t think that way.” 

Harley took no heed. “And Rogers too, with James. I hope he doesn’t think that James just took the opportunity to get Tony to fall for him while he was gone. I hope the two of you don’t think that James and I stole Tony. But with Rogers – he ruined his chance anyway in Siberia. Fuck. Sorry. I know I shouldn’t have brought that up. Water under the bridge.” He fell into silence. 

Peter thought properly of the words to say next. “I can’t speak for Mr. Rogers, but… but I think he understands. He’s Captain America after all. He learns from his mistakes and he knows what the right thing to do next. As for me, I admit I was jealous. But I can’t also help but admire you, you know. What with Thanos, you did a lot, a whole lot, while I – you know what happened to me. I didn’t like it.” 

Harley had an inquisitive look upon his face. “You admire me?” 

Cue the blush Peter knew he should have controlled. “You know… Like, I don’t mean it that way. But, in a way that… what way do you have in your mind anyway? I can explain.” 

The other young man only snorts. “Shocking. Barton said you hate me.” 

“No!” 

“I should’ve known. Barton wants drama. So, we’re cool?” 

“Yeah,” Peter whispers. 

“What’s on your mind, man?” 

“Nothing. I just wished that I had listened to Mr. Stark then and been there for him in those five years.” 

It was too much for Peter. He liked Harley and he was happy for Mr. Barnes and Mr. Stark. But he knew he has to weed the jealousy and regret out of him or else he will fall apart. He needed a time away from everything. So when the guardians of the galaxy plus Thor visited Earth some weeks after this chat with Harley, he convinced them somehow to take him with them when they return to space. Aunt May didn’t like his idea. And Ned was so upset. “What is New York without Spiderman?” he asked of him. 

“Even Superman has alone time in his Fortress of Solitude,” was all he said to his best friend. 

He went to space, had some awesome space adventures, learned new things, befriend cool aliens, fought dangerous ones. He was right. Time apart from the Avengers lightened his spirit. He goes back after eighteen months and finds out things got better not only for him but for those he left behind. MJ and Ned became a thing, Mr. Stark and Mr. Rogers became good friends again, Mr. Banner pops up in the Avengers’ Compound frequently now, Wanda becomes Dr. Strange’s favorite student, and Iron Lad comes out of retirement to occasionally help Daredevil defend New York City. And boy was he glad to see the face behind the Iron Lad mask. 

It was the start of a cheesy rom-com scenario for the two young men; a useless will-they-won’t-they because everybody can see that they are too far gone for each other. Even Laura Barton comes in to Peter’s apartment to give a piece of her mind. But Peter has always been the reserved awkward one, Harley the confident one. It was the latter who took charge of the hand-holding, the kissing, the dating, and the confession. Peter liked that. Flash forward to present time, to show Harley that the relationship is not one-sided, it was Peter who asked the question of marriage. 

Harley becomes nervous then, first time. “I thought we agreed you’ll get your degree first?” 

“Yes, yes. And I know we are still too young. But what are we waiting for? It’s not like I’ll find someone I can love the way I love you. Unless, you…” 

“Oh, fuck you! Give me that ring, stupid! Stupid awkward cute boy about to give me a heart attack with questions and accusations of infidelity. You have any idea what will happen? I have to come out of retirement _again_ to help my stupid fiancé protect New York. Can’t have my stupid fiancé die because of some stupid super villain. Can’t have me becoming a widower at such a young age, can you? As if I don’t love you too. Right, let’s get married.” 

That’s it. 

Absolutely everybody is ecstatic upon hearing the news. Miss Potts immediately volunteers to be the wedding planner, and tells the two young men that it will be the first time she will tell the SI board to suck it in favor of a personal matter, so they better appreciate it. That they did. But for the rest, Peter doesn’t know how to feel that everyone else is getting involved about the wedding at such a degree. They are more concerned about the whole thing than the two persons who will get married. Mr. Stark buys their wedding tuxedos and the groom’s men’s suits, Mr. Barnes and Mr. Rogers work on the guest list, Wanda and Dr. Strange hand out the invitations, Mr. Barton chooses the wedding location, Director Fury comes up to say he will officiate the ceremony, and King T’Challa offers a place in Wakanda for the honeymoon period. All these actions caused the ceremony to take place _two weeks_ after the marriage proposal. If Peter wasn’t so overwhelmed by the team’s concern, he would be downright freaked out. 

“In your own wise words, ‘why delay?’” asks MJ. “At least all expenses are taken care of.” 

Peter makes a face. “Still. I know there’s fun to be had with planning the wedding with the person you love, right?” 

MJ looks disgusted. “You poor, naïve child. You don’t know the horror of it. Here.” She fixes his bent bowtie. 

“Pete’s got a point, you know,” Ned says. “Even though I saw it coming that I will be his best man, I have finals on Monday, dude. I hate Physics, man! I don’t want to repeat it next year!” MJ glares at him before he can go on with his rant. Peter gives him an apologetic look to which he gives a dismissive shrug. 

“I’m really sorry, Ned. But they—” 

“That’s alright. They took care of the expenses, like MJ said. Thank God you only get married once.” 

Peter takes a deep breath. “I just still can’t believe that in half an hour I will be a part of the Stark-Barnes family.” 

His aunt comes into the room minutes later to fuss over him. Teary-eyed, she tells him how his Uncle Ben would’ve been very happy had he been there with them. Peter stops himself before he can join the waterworks. He tries to cheer her up, says Mr. Barton and Mr. Wilson would tease him if they see the million dollar tux stained by crybaby tears. 

“Oh, to hell with those guys,” Aunt May bursts out, surprising a laugh from him. She goes on to share to him about her wedding day. 

The three most important people in his life did push him out of the room not soon after so he can wait for Harley in the altar. Peter finds himself excited with the idea – he on the altar, congratulated by his groom’s men, Mr. Barnes, Mr. Rogers… then Harley coming in led by Mr. Stark. He has that right, one should take note. After all, he was the one who did propose. 

Harley is already on his way out too, though. They gape at each other. 

“I thought I’m supposed to—” “I’ll be the one waiting for you there!” 

Director Fury passes them both. “Both of you motherfuckers just come to the aisle right now so we can get this over with.” 

Harley snorts while Peter laughs awkwardly. They high five each other and follow the director out into the beautiful Barton estate farm where all the other heroes are waiting for them. 

The musicians started to play Ed Sheeran’s _Perfect_ (because of course they will) as the pair walk with held hands to the aisle. And the next moments? It was a blur for Peter. He remembers Nick Fury’s loud, commanding speech that started the ceremony. He remembers his Aunt May crying from her seat, he sees Mr. Stark’s teary eyes. He sees Mr. Rogers’ proud smile directed at him. He remembers Mr. Barnes and Mr. Wilson giving him a thumbs up. He is not quite sure if he delivered his vows right, but he remembers Harley’s word for word. He remembers Fury asking the obligatory ‘Anyone who objects, stand up.’ And Clint rises from his seat (obviously as a joke) and Mr. Stark hits him with his repulsor to shut him down. 

Five years after Thanos, Peter can say he can’t ask for anything better. 

2 

Luis taps the mic on stage. “Hello? Have I got everyone’s attention? Hello? Did I get—Oh, cool. Oh man, oh man, you don’t know how glad I am to be standing here in front of you. It’s so cool to make a speech about our two favorite kid superheroes. Right, I think I’m gonna tell you how Peter and Harley met cause you know, I’m the emcee. I’m the emcee, Scott. Welp, anyway.” 

“I regret this already,” Scott mumbles on his seat. 

“They have such a long history, man. But I guess we all start at the very beginning. It all started with the one and only Mr. Tony Stark you see. Cheers Mr. Iron Man! Cheers! Well back in the day he is a first-grade a-hole. No offense, no offense. He is a billionaire, a playboy, he invents stuffs. He was asked to trace down the Hulk! A blonde reporter was like, _‘Boy, you’re just a mean, mean man and your technology kills people. I think you have issues and your beard is weird.’_ A-and Tony replies with, _‘Babe, you crazy beautiful chic, the only issue I have is why you still not on bed with me. You know you want to get banged by this Stark dick. Fuck your cover story and hop on the mattress, baby!’_ That was his life every day, by the way. But little does the world know he cries in bed every night like damn! _‘Jeeeesus Christ! My dad loves Captain America more than me. Why, oh, why? I’m much more intelligent and I’m much more handsome! Bet that bastard wished he was his son instead. I hope to God I don’t see that blond mother eff ever! He looks like the type of guy who hides secrets to you and almost kills you in a bunker!’_ Oops. Spoiler. Right, right, right. Then one day in Afghanistan while he was testing some weapon or some other shit, he got kidnapped and tortured by the Ten Rings! And Wanda and Pietro somewhere in the world shared a toast with each other and said, _‘Well, that bastard sure just got introduced to karma.’_” 

“I don’t remember us doing that,” Wanda says with confusion. 

“Seriously, who is this guy?” Tony seethes. Bucky squeezes his shoulders to calm him down. 

“So, you know, Rogers watched Star Wars, Finding Nemo, uh, Friends, The Dark Knight trilogy, High School Musical… Twilight? Jurassic Park. He’s like, _‘Yooooo, I think I am getting the hang of 21st century super well. Wilson, my friend, what else did I miss?’ ‘9/11, my dude,’_ answered Wilson happily. _‘Government fucked up that one. Barton taught you yet how to use the Internet? Romanov taught you yet the meaning of conspiracy theory? Don’t listen to them. Nyway, I heard Bucky is alive. You want to check that out?’_ But Bucky doesn’t care. He lost his memories, poor lad. _‘Я потерял свои воспоминания. У меня нет денег и у меня нет никого. Что делать бедному парню? Ну, я думаю, тогда я буду жалеть себя.’_ He was contented listening to My Chemical Romance for all we know. He sings. _‘Я не боюсь продолжать жить. Я не боюсь ходить по этому миру в одиночку.’_ Right, I made that up.” 

“I’ll kill your friend, Lang,” Wilson tells Scott. 

“I’ll help,” Bucky says. 

“He left the kid to finish off Mandarin! Said, _‘Till next time, maybe. Am not ready to have kids. I’m still trying to fix things with Pepper and your presence would require a lot of explanation. Byeee.’_ Luckily, the boy understands. He say, _‘Gee, thanks for leaving me like my dad! Now, I’m gonna have to wait ‘til we meet again. We have connection, bruh!’_ as Tony drives away. And remember that kid, guys, because that kid is our boy Harley Keener.” 

“There I was!” Harley says. “I actually thought he’ll forget my saga.” 

“Then Jane Foster slaps him! _‘Oh, you one heartless bulky dude. You think it’s a grand idea to leave me here after one weekend of us being lovey-dovey? No sir, uh-uh. I’ll punish you so hard your stomach will turn into a flabby punching bag! I’ll claim your hammer as mine.’_ Damn it, damn it! Spoiler again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” 

“She didn’t say that!” Thor protests. 

“Rogers was like, _‘Stark, this relationship ain’t working anymore, bruh. You have principles but I have a social life in the form of my long lost best friend who more than probably doesn’t remember me and is fucked up in his brain. But I think I can fix that. You on the other hand, I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I think we need a divorce._’ And Tony was like,_‘Not on my watch, bitch!_’ But Rogers went ahead and split the kids. And so we have the best thing we can ever have next to a Justice League live action movie: the airport fight!” 

A round of applause ensues from the audience. 

“They go pow-pow and they go pew-pew. The Black Panther goes _‘Meow!’_, Black Widow goes _‘Weeh!_’, And Hawkeye goes _‘Ah, yeah!’_ But in a birthday party where a girl is missing her dad, Hope says, _‘Wait a freaking minute. Isn’t Scott supposed to be here?’_ and Cassie asks, _‘Isn’t daddy supposed to be here? Happy birthday to me then. Thanks a lot, dad, for adding me to the list of bastards who have daddy issues. Gee!’_” 

Scott turns to Sam and Bucky. “You know what, fuck it. I’ll help you kill him.” 

Peter is frowning. “He forgot about me. That was my grand entrance.” 

“There’s a young protégé in New York ready for homecoming who’s all like, _‘I’m a loser in high school and I have a hot aunt who’s totally not helping me on figuring things out.’_” 

Peter brightens up. 

“Tony says, _‘I am so sad and mopey. Nothing can ever console me. Spiderson is gone. Rogers got snapped and that bitch hasn’t even apologized to me yet for almost killing my ass in Siberia. Rhodey, I am going away. Fury, suck on your dick. I am retiring from Avengers.’_ And Col. Rhodes says, _‘Bud, you've declared your retirement since after Ultron. What are you on about?’_ And Director Fury says, _‘Retire, motherfucker. See if I care. I've got a space adventure of my own. I'll hang out with the strongest superhero in the Galaxy, Captain Marvel.’_ Tony laughs at him. _‘If she’s so powerful, how come she didn’t stop Thanos?’_ And Danvers says, _‘Boy, I'll be more than glad to kick the ever loving shit out of you if I'm not so busy protecting other planets. My schedule is so hectic that romance is non-existent. And you think you've got problems.’_ So Rhodey asks Fury. _‘Yo, I'll be more than glad to lead the New Avengers if you give me that chick's number. That Captain Marvel lady is crazy stupid fiiine!’_

“Where am I? Oh. Oh! So Tony moves in to a lakeside house, right. Cause there’s no other place to feel emotional and helpless than by the lake where you can feel like an old man. And he cries every night cause he misses a certain kid and a certain old man. There there's a knock on the door, right. Harley shows up, all with luggage in tow. _‘Hey, yo. You thought you’d seen the last of me. I know you remember me, though we haven’t seen each other in a loooong time. I need a place to stay and my family got zaap! No need to ask how I found you. We have connection, bruh!’_

“So our boy Harley lived with him. You know, they’re all cutesy and stuff. Tony tells him, _‘You know, these father and son moments with us are kind of dooope! Maybe I’ll adopt you. DUM-E, bring in the papers.’_ And Harley is like, _‘Yooo! Great idea, dad!’_

“The another knock comes on the door. Knock. Knock. Knock. _‘Holy blessed by the pope guacamole! It is the Winter Soldier!’_ Tony throws his screwdriver at him right, cause he’s getting kind of pissy. _ ‘Go away! I haven’t finished mourning the loss of everyone! You're presence is distracting me!’ _And Bucky says. _‘Nonsense! Stevie is gone. Wakanda kicked me out. I’m half mad and half thankful for you for blowing my Hydra arm off. And I know you’re still kinda mad that we served your ass back in Siberia. But I need a place to stay and this place ain’t half bad. Now it's just you and me plus sexual tension, baby!’_ They made out right there in the sofa while the kid is on the other room! And Harley boy says. _‘Eep!’ _Bucky tells him, _‘You. I like you, son. If I have a son, he will be like you, son! Holy jeez, I’ll be a cool dad!’_ And they all go, _‘Hurrah!’_ And they walk in the park complete with picnic baskets, and picnic mats, you know, and sandwiches. 

“One day, Harley says _‘So, the two of you. Instead of having to pretend to hate each other in the morning and have like angry sex every night for the last three years, don't you think it’s time you adults set out your differences? Maybe, like, we could find a way to bring back those who got snapped?”_ And they both smiled at him, see. _‘You’re right, son. Tomorrow, Tony and I are going to get married. And we are going to adopt you right after. The three of us are practically a family. Let’s call Ross to officiate the wedding!’_ And Everett Ross rounds up on his office and says. _‘Boy, what a time to wish I was snapped.”_

“Oh God, Natasha, why did you abandon me?!” Clint wails out of nowhere. “Why did you leave me alone to suffer?” 

“So Peter, who Tony Stark called to practically die for him in Civil War because Steve Rogers wanted a divorce because he found his amnesiac best friend because of HYDRA that started this whole shit or so we thought, asked Harley, who wanted to get killed for Tony back in the day when our man Iron Man is suffering from PTSD all because Thor can’t control his brother Loki who is a jealous kidnapped slash adopted orphan, for marriage!” He smiles brightly to the audience, waiting for a reaction. The audience thought he’s onto something more, so he says, “That’s all, folks. Thank you everyone. Good night! Congratulations to the newlyweds. Cheers!” 

Sam turns to Bucky and Tony. “D’you still want to go, give your speech? You’re up next.” 

Tony just consults his watch while his husband answers. “After that? That bastard already consumed two hours of our time. He already said everything there is to know. I’m famished.” 

Tony nudges at him. “It’s time. We better head on to the compound.” 

“You won’t finish the party?” Peter, who absolutely did not mean to eavesdrop to the adults’ conversation, asks his mentor, a little upset. 

Tony smiles at him. “We got a little surprise at the compound, kid. Snowflake, come on.” 

Bucky ruffles Peter’s hair and pinches Harley’s cheek while his other hand is being pulled by his husband. “Later will be fun. Bring him there in one piece, Harley.” 

Peter looks at where Tony and James have gone into the car park. On stage, Clint Barton is singing with a band. Peter turns to his now-husband. “What kind of surprise do you think it will be? Wait, have you got something to do with it?” 

“No.” 

“You lie. Come on, I know when you lie.” 

“It’s a surprise, Pete. Why would you want to spoil yourself?” 

He doesn’t. But his spider sense is tingling. He gives the dirty blond his puppy-eyes look. “You won’t spill, not even a little?” 

Harley groans. “Jesus Christ! Why’d you have to look like that? I don’t know what they’re planning, all right. I just know they want us to play a game.” 

“A game?” 

“Yes. Now shut up. Here comes Barton’s encore.” 

“Wait. What game?” 

Harley gives an exaggerated shrug. “Dunno. I think it’s just one of their stupid ‘initiations’ for us. Brighten up, love. It’s not like they’ll knowingly hurt us.” 

But the unwelcome nervousness stays with him throughout the event. He may forget it for a while; he has forgotten about it during the little ice breaker games, the slicing of the cake, the video presentation. But it comes back right after these things, and turns into unexplained fright when he notices member by member of the Avengers leaving through the door as the party progresses. Very soon, Luis thanks the guests for coming and calling it a night. The event has ended, and Happy escorts Peter and Harley to a limousine to go the compound Peter can only presume. 

“You’re nervous!” Harley laughs at him on the way. 

Peter reddens. “Shut up, Harls. You can’t blame me. I just discovered this surprise, what, like an hour ago while you, on the other hand, have known about it, what, since when?” 

“Oh, dear.” Harley fondly reaches for his face and rubs his nose against his. “Just relax, okay? It’s just one more thing then we can rest; one little game before it’s all over and we’ll get a month-long honeymoon in Wakanda. Even my two ridiculous dads are jealous over that. Right, Happy?” 

“Right,” Happy answers from behind the wheel. He is uncharacteristically quiet, which doesn’t help Harley’s narrative. 

It was eight o’clock in the evening when they reach the Avengers’ Compound. According to Happy, everybody is already waiting for them in the Meeting Room. 

Harley kisses Peter briefly. “Relax, honey. We’ll get through this evening, I promise. Then to Wakanda we go.” 

Peter doesn’t think he imagined the sadness and pain in his husband’s eyes when he said that. 

Harley holds onto his hand tightly as they both walk into the Meeting Room. 

Inside, there is a piano which would never have been there under any circumstances. Clint is playing the instrument while Quill, Scott, Bucky and Tony are gathered around him, singing _Speak Softly Love_ from The Godfather movie. Mantis and Hope are sitting nearby them, watching them with dreamy eyes. Steve and Wanda are on the table, discussing some mundane topic probably. Sam, Rhodey and Rocket are on the other side of the table, discussing a different mundane topic probably. Groot is by Rocket’s side, being petted by Thor. Drax and Nebula are seated far from the two groups; the former is sharpening his knives while the latter is looking around the room. Valkyrie is geeking over something Shuri is showing her on her tablet. King T’Challa and Okoye are alone by the window, sharing a drink, looking over the woods outside. 

What struck Peter with urgency is the fact that all of them are out of their tuxedos and dresses and in their fighting gears. 

Steve sees the two young men and rises from his seat. “Avengers! They’re here!” he announces. “Everyone, gather up on the table right now.” As the rest grab their seats, Steve continues to talk to the newcomers. “How was the rest of the party go? I’m sorry we had to leave.” 

Peter answers. “It’s cool. Ended later than we expected. Aunt May, MJ and Ned decided to stay the night with the Barton’s.” 

Clint wiggles his eyebrows at him. 

“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” Hope asks with a kind smile. 

“W-well…” 

“Depends on what time this game’s gonna end,” Harley interrupts. 

Tony is annoyed. “You told him about the surprise?” 

“Look, old man. He gave me his puppy look eyes! That’s like my kryptonite. I couldn’t resist, okay? I’m not like Drax who’s immune to cute things.” 

“Wakanda will be very happy to have Spiderman,” T’Challa tells Peter. 

“Thanks, Your Highness,” Peter replies, a little red in the face. 

Steve takes over the conversation once again. “Alright, Peter. Now that the surprise has been revealed, I say let’s talk over the details. Indeed we will play a game.” 

“Excuse me, sir, but why?” 

“Just for fun, moy mal'chik. Just for fun,” Bucky says grimly. 

“We will eat you alive, boy!” Clint cackles. Tony smacks his head upside down to shut him up. 

“Listen to James, Peter. It’s just for fun,” Tony says. “We’re just here to poke fun at the newlyweds. Hey, we might even make this an Avengers’ ritual. What do you say, Rhodeybear?” 

“Hah! If he can get Captain Marvel to look at him for more than a split second, that is! Danvers is too thick and Rhodey is too slow. The possibility of World War III is much higher than that crap.” Quill says, earning him a finger from Rhodey. 

Peter relaxes. Right. They are joking around. Nothing to be nervous about. _But why are they only addressing him and not Harley?_ Oh, right. Harley has known about this surprise a little bit longer. And perhaps because his anxiety is too obvious not to be addressed. And another thing… 

“Why are you all in your costumes?” 

“In case things get a little bit physical,” Steve answers. 

“What? Why? What game—” 

Rocket pushes a box in his direction. Peter picks it up, studies it, and presses the one lone button on its right. There is a shuffling sound inside the box. Peter presses the button again and out pops a card. Peter reads. 

“Hide and Seek? Are we really going to play that?” he asks with an amused laugh. Goodness. All his nervousness for nothing. Hide and seek, really? It’s a children’s game. 

Steve smiles again. “That’s settled, then. Coin toss on who will be it?” 

“What? The it won’t be Harley and I?” 

Steve tosses a coin. “Heads or tails?” 

“Head,” Harley answers. 

“Er… No choice but tails, am I?” Peter asks rhetorically. 

Okay. Things are back to being weird now. Everybody in the room is smiling only _at him_, but they are all unnerving. 

“It’s tails. Peter, you’re it,” Steve says and pockets the coin. 

_But you didn’t even let me see the coin!_ Peter wants to protest. 

“Well,” Steve begins, getting him to shut up and pay attention. “The rules are simple. You hide anywhere in the compound, and we try to find you.” 

Peter tries to laugh the nervousness off. “Not the other way around? And are you really not letting me and Harley both to be the it? I thought the game is for the newlyweds?” 

“Nah, you only,” Sam says with a drawl. 

Peter sighs. He resigns to the thought that the Avengers have already made up their mind. He should just play along. Like Harley said, they are not going to knowingly harm him. They are his family. And Mr. Stark and Mr. Barnes are his fathers-in-law. There is no way this night will not end up fun with playing hide and seek with the Avengers. And in fairness, it really sounded fun. 

“Soooo, technically, there is no way for me to win, right?” he asks. 

“Well if you can stay hidden until dawn,” Steve says sheepishly. 

Peter laughs at the idea of hiding in the recesses of the maze-like compound at five in the morning. “No, thank you. What’s the reward if you haven’t found me yet until morning?” 

Steve turns to Tony. “Tony will take care of that.” 

“I will take care of that,” Tony says. 

“Wait, you’re not going to use Friday to track me down, are you? Because that will be considered cheating in my book.” 

Tony fakes a gasp. “I would never. Terminator, look. Our son-in-law is – You’re right, I maybe will. What are you going to do?” 

“That is cheating, Tony,” Steve says softly. “Tony won’t use his suit and FRIDAY, promise.” 

“Lay off. Why are you making promises for me? He is my son-in-law! I can bully him whenever I want.” 

Bucky jumps in. He covers his husband’s mouth and says, “Tony will not use the suit, until ten minutes before sunrise. We give you our word. Do you agree, doll? If we haven’t found Peter by then, we can use FRIDAY and we can give a good chase. What do you say?” The smaller brunet just glares at him as if in defiance. James looks around the table. “He agrees.” 

Peter doesn’t believe he can stay hidden until sunrise from the Avengers for them to take a desperate measure. Besides, he has the option of being discovered early so the game can quickly end and he can have a rest before he and his lovely husband fly to Wakanda. 

Or another idea. 

Mr. Stark is not allowed to use his suit but they are not saying anything against him using his and KAREN. He left his main suit home. But he remembers the prototype Harley worked for him for a month in his lab. That will do. He will make this a tough game for all of them. 

“Are you ready, Peter?” Steve asks. 

“Yeah, I think so.” 

“We’ll give you three minutes to hide. And the time will start as soon as you’re out of that door.” 

“Got it. Wish me luck, Harls. Find me,” he says and gives him a quick peck on the lips. Again, the look of utter despair is registered on his husband’s face. Without another look, he goes outside the door and runs to Harley’s lab. 

Every place he run to is dimly lit, Peter observes. The whole compound possibly is. It should be a bad omen but Peter repeatedly reminds himself that _his family will never hurt him._

Ninety more seconds, Peter counts. He reaches Harley’s lab. The lights are out there, too, but he has memorized his way in this place long before. Dalmatian beeped upon seeing him. He gives it a quick pat on its head before unlocking the glass door to his Spider suit. Forty-five seconds; he puts the dark red and black suit on. He puts on the web shooters and turns on KAREN’s system. 

_‘Good evening, Peter, and congratulations on your wedding with Master Harley.’_

“Thanks, Karen. But right now we are playing a competitive hide and seek game. I need a good place to hide. Can you scan the whole compound? Oh, and check if FRIDAY is offline.” 

_‘Running in incognito mode…’_

His three minutes is over. Dalmatian is circling him, probably unknowing of what is happening right now. But except for Dalmatian and Karen’s system running, all around is deadly silent. Peter tries to listen for any movements. _Right, who in all of Avengers would have an idea that he will go here? Harley maybe._ Maybe he should let Harley find him. Maybe he should find Harley and they can sneak out while the adults search for him inside the compound like a group of idiots. That will be adorably fun. 

He tenses up. Someone has entered the lab, very quietly too. 

_‘FRIDAY is undetected inside the compound. On the other hand, the compound is heavily covered by the Avengers as of now,’_ Karen reports. _‘The only safe place is the reception area and Wanda’s room.’_

“Thank you, Karen. Dal, stay right here. I need to hide,” Peter whispers, still sensing the newcomer on the other part of the lab. Whoever it is, they are sensing the place, too. Silence. 

The ceiling and the walls are not safe for him to land – the Avengers will be expecting him there. He will do hide and seek old school, then. He drops to his knees, sees a broom cabinet and crawls quietly inside, motioning Dalmatian to stay where he was and zip up. He scans the lab through the little slants of the cabinet’s door. No one. Did he just imagine what he heard earlier? _Maybe I can get out…_

“Peter, I know you’re in here,” comes Valkyrie’s voice in a sing-song. The girl enters the lab, and not quietly too. 

Now Peter knows he’s in trouble. With Valkyrie’s warrior instincts, she will surely find him. 

The Asgardian king looks around the room. Peter listens to her every move. She is whispering loudly. “Dalmatian! Will you be kind enough to tell me where your master’s husband went off? No, you didn’t see him? That’s odd. Stark swore this is one the first places he would run off to.” 

_Oh, God. What is happening? What is with this tension?_

“Peter!” Valkyrie shouts. She is just in front of him. “If you’re in here, I’ll—” 

A briefness of light that comes with a gunshot from beside Peter’s cabinet. The young man swears he saw Valkyrie fall flat to the ground. 

_WHAT THE F—_

Valkyrie is not speaking anymore. 

He hears the cabinet beside him creak opens and reveals Star Lord. The man takes off his mask and looks to the ground on which Peter is unable to see. “The hell?!” Star Lord exclaims. 

The hell is right. 

In storms Tony Stark, the Winter Soldier and Thor to the lab. “What the fuck just happened?!” Tony asks. “Quill?!” 

“I’m sorry, okay!” Star Lord says, pulling off his earphones. 

“You numbskull! What have you done to the king of Asgard?!” Thor asks in mortification. 

“I was listening to music, I was—” 

“Does she look like a man in a Spider suit to you?” the Winter Soldier asks coldly. 

_What the hell? Was that bullet meant for me? Are they fucking trying to kill me?!_

“I’m sorry, understand. I was listening to music and I guess I compromised one of my senses—” 

“Oh great,” Tony groans. “We have one simple job, Star Lord. Don’t tell me we’re really going to use all of tonight just to find one little spider?!” 

“Shut up, all of you! Let’s take her to the infirmary!” Thor says. 

“There is no infirmary, Thor,” Tony says. “There are no medical staffs tonight. It’s only us, the group, and the spider here tonight.” 

“I’m taking her to Dr. Cho, then. What you did, Quill – this is disrespect to Asgard!” 

“How many times would I need to apologize before this becomes a broken record? I’m sorry! Is she still alive? N-no! Of course I wish I didn’t kill her, Thor! Your glare won’t fix anything, I promise you.” 

Thor stands up with Valkyrie in his arms. Peter says the seemingly endless flow of blood on her forehead, covering her eyes up to her nose. Starlord and Thor walk out of the lab while James and Tony linger on. 

Tony is glaring to the compartment where Peter has gotten his suit. 

“Hey,” James says softly, tapping his shoulder. Tony turns to him with a frowning face. “You’re really uncute when you pout.” 

Tony’s frown deepens. “Excuse me?” 

Bucky pulls him to rest his head against his. “Hey, don’t worry. It’s still the beginning of the night. What happened earlier was an honest mistake.” 

“Could be avoided if only Quill used even half of his brain.” 

“Still. We still have, what, ten more hours? We can bid our time. And with Harley on our side, everything will be easier. Peter is too far gone for our son.” 

Tony lets out a sigh. “Fine. This your thing, Snowflake? Give encouraging pep talks to everyone?” 

“You would know.” He kisses Tony’s forehead. “Smile, doll. Everything will turn out okay.” 

Okay, this hubby display is cute and all, but Peter wants them to get the fuck out of here, pronto, so Peter can get his bearings together. Did they seriously plan to kill him? And Harley is on this, too? Is this a prank? Shit, he needs to wake up from this nightmare. 

_It doesn’t make an ounce of goddamn sense._

Tony beams at his husband before looking somberly around the round. “I had thought Peter will still be here. He must have only gotten his suit then ran away. Kid’s really fast. If we could only have FRIDAY….” 

“We have given our word. Besides, with so many of us, Peter has no chance to get through this. We don’t need FRIDAY for this.” 

Tony huffs. “If you say so.” 

“And I thought you told Harley to throw the Spider suit away?” 

“I thought _you_ told our son to throw away the suit. Fuck, this makes things a little more complicated. Dal, have you seen Spiderman? Hey, I’m talking to you. Come here! Why, you. Come!” 

They are finally leaving with Dalmatian (thank the lords he must have not gotten traitor Harley’s memo to get Peter killed) give the two adults a chase. He will now be able to breathe a sigh of relief and find a bathroom to pee. However, as with all stupid horror thriller movies, this is the time Peter’s stupid foot slides a little to the left and make a stupid sound that eventually gets the Winter Soldier’s attention. The soldier faces the broom cabinet with a sly smile. 

“What is it, Frozen?” Tony asks. 

“I think I know where the little spider is.” 

_Oh crap! Heaven almighty. What is it now, flight or fight? Fight! While asking them what the big deal is of course. Are they up for a talk?_

But the wall behind him slides open. A pair of arms grabs him inside before he can utter a scream. The secret door closes. 

The Winter Soldier fires at the cabinet non-stop until the door is nothing but a wood chipped mess. There is a thick cloud of smoke and an unpleasant smell of wood dust when he finishes his round. 

“Hmm? You were quite sure the spider is in there earlier.” Tony teases. “I see no blood. Your senses are betraying you, chum.” 

The soldier strides to the cabinet and hauls away what remains of the door and the cleaning materials inside. Nothing. No Spiderman inside. James hums. “I could have sworn I heard something inside. Let’s get out of here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m pretty sure it takes more than a limo ride going to the Avengers’ compound from the Barton’s but in here… well let’s just pretend that they are only separated by a three hour ride through a woodland. I know it sucks.
> 
> Я потерял свои воспоминания. У меня нет денег и у меня нет никого. Что делать бедному парню? Ну, я думаю, тогда я буду жалеть себя. - I have lost my memories. I have no money and I have no one. What is a poor guy left to do? Well, then, I think I will just wallow in self-pity.
> 
> Я не боюсь продолжать жить. Я не боюсь ходить по этому миру в одиночку. - I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. (From Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance)
> 
> Thanks, Google Translate!


	2. You'll Be Left In The Dust Unless I Never Give You Up, Never Let You Down, Never Run Around And Desert You

When he opens his eyes Harley is looming over him in a couch. He could have melted by that handsome bastard’s worried gaze, but Peter remembers Star Lord, Valkyrie, Mr. Barnes and Mr. Stark saying they want him dead, and he freaks out. He pushes Harley away from him and looks for a door in this cell. 

“What the fuck?!” Harley curses and tries to pull him by the arm back to the seat. “Peter! Stop! Listen to me!” 

_No way_. He shoots web on Harley’s face. Harley immediately lets go in midst of more expletives Peter didn’t know were in Harley’s dictionary (being Winter Soldier and Iron Man’s son really do bring out the acerbic crankiness in someone, huh). Meanwhile, Peter looks around and up and down for escape. 

“Fucking shit, PARKER!” Harley says, taking off the web from his face. 

Peter sees a door, goes to it, sees it’s just a toilet, knocks Harley off again. Then he spots an open vent above and immediately jumps out to it. Harley pulls him by his ankles just before he can disappear. “I’m not going to kill you, dumbass! Get down here and listen to me!” 

“How do I know you’re not lying?” Peter cries. 

Harley struggles for something, still not letting go. “Well… because…” 

“See? You… you… I thought you love me!” 

“I do, dumbass! I do! I love you! Come on, get down. We need to plan, okay. You might think you have a problem now but wait until Dr. Strange and Captain Marvel arrive – you’ll have no way to survive then! So please, for the love of God, come down!” To show possibly that he trusts Peter, he lets go and steps back. 

Peter weighs his options. Well, for one, he sure as hell doesn’t know what’s going on. Him versus the Avengers? Then Dr. Strange and Miss Danvers coming in to kill him, too? Like he has a chance. He needs to take a risk. He comes down and pulls off his mask, showing Harley how really upset and angry he is. “Start explaining or I swear to God—” 

Harley releases a sigh of relief (Peter thinks it’s relief, at least). He takes a seat on the couch, rubbing his temples as an old problematic man would. Peter gives him time to breathe while he looks around. What is this place? It looks like a cell but fashioned with a cushion, a bed and television. He is not sure he’s seen this part of the compound before. 

As if reading his mind, Harley explains, “I built this place. _Every goddamn time_ those two old men fuck in the lab it’s always when I go out for a pee break. So I built this. So when I return from break and just as soon see Tony bent over the desk, I can immediately retreat to the broom cabinet and down here. The lab is just above us. I made this soundproof, too. Cool, huh?” 

Peter agrees wholeheartedly. “Yeah, this is awesome! Might be cooler though if you can do your projects here -- wait a minute. We’re getting off topic! The Avengers want to kill me! Valkyrie was there then suddenly Star Lord – and – Mr. Barnes and Mr. Stark got mad!” 

“Yes, yes. Hear. Listen.” He pauses, then. “A month ago, there was an alien attack in the Philippines. You might have heard about that. Nothing major. Pretty small thing. Ant Man and Wasp took care of it in less than a day. They visited us here in the compound right after the cleanup operation to tell us all about it. Then they deposited a debris in Dad’s lab. Sort of like a piece of a meteorite or something.” 

Peter is hanging on every word. “And then?” 

“You must understand that I’ve only seen this debris once. After I’ve returned from my pee break, they’ve already deposited it in Room 662. Then… then everyone started acting weird. They wanted me to check up on you, keep tabs on you, get you to visit the compound, actually stalk you! For some reason you have become interesting to them and they in turn become obsessed with you, and not the healthy kind.” 

Now Peter remembers Mr. Stark’s numerous calls and messages, and Mr. Rogers’ countless invites to the compound, and Wanda’s friend request on Facebook (Wanda has every right to have a Facebook account, sure, but it is still very weird). “Right, okay, I admit that that’s creepy. But why did it come to this?” 

“I can’t tell for sure. But there’s something else. The night you asked me to marry you, I was gonna ask you the same thing. You know… marriage. I have the ring and everything.” 

Peter’s smile is from ear to ear. “Really? That’s so cool.” 

Harley looks mildly annoyed. “Not if you learn that my two dads pressured me into doing that. Hey,” he says when Peter’s smile turns to a childlike frown. “I really wanted to marry you, all right. But I would have wanted it if you finish college first. Legally we’re adults but we’re still young! I don’t want you to get tied up. Jumping from one commitment to the next whilst still being a superhero – I don’t want you to get bombed out. Come on. Where’s that smile? Can I get a smile?” 

Spiderman’s alter ago shots him off with a finger. “Eff off, Harls. I’m not a kid. And still, you haven’t still explained why the Avengers want me dead! Just cut to the chase.” 

“So here. Last night, dads and Steve and Hawkeye told me something about magic blood that we need to extract from, and I quote, ‘a Spiderman who experienced deadly terror after joyous bliss’. Torturing you after a much-awaited marriage, if you want to be more specific. Wilson and Barton came up with the idea of a deadly game. You would think Hide and Seek is bad but you could have Truth or Dare in there, or Would You Rather. At least with Hide and Seek you could have a chance to escape. I only had to play along so I can get you out. 

“And about your magic blood – Wanda gave me a vision where everybody died because they didn’t have your blood. It was a nightmare of a sight.” 

“Magic blood? I don’t think I have any. First time I heard. But it wouldn’t hurt if I give them a little of my blood, would it?” 

“Peter, they meant to drain all your blood.” 

“All? As in—” 

“You would be drier than a raisin after they’re done with you.” 

“And I oop.” Peter tries to think despite Harley’s unimpressed stare at his pop culture reference. “They said everybody will die if they don’t get my blood? I guess it can’t be helped.” 

“Oh, shut it! Out with your self-sacrificing shit! I’ve had enough of that with Tony. Besides, they’re clearly not themselves. I think it’s the debris I’ve told you about. I don’t believe Wanda’s vision one bit. Magic blood? Come on, it doesn’t make sense! Why your blood of all people?!” 

“But what if it’s true? I’m willing—” 

“Pete. PETER! I love you, but you’re a high tier idiot.” 

Peter huffs. “Fine. Let’s sneak in to Room 662.” 

Now Harley is the one confused. “Why?” 

He wants to hit him again just for the sake of it. “You said that’s where they deposited the debris?” 

“Uh, no. Brunhilde got hold of it and moved it to New Asgard. We will go there.” 

“We can’t go. Part of the game requires me to stay here in the compound.” 

“I say that rule’s out of the window when they didn’t tell you they’re going to torture then kill you once they find you. Listen, you need to get out of here as soon you can. Like I said earlier, once Dr. Strange or Captain Marvel gets here, I doubt you’ll survive the night.” 

Peter visibly shivers. Right. Miss Danvers will beat him to pulp. But there is still one thing that’s bothering him. Mr. Stark and Mr. Rogers will torture and kill him for a magic blood he has no idea about? He thought they like him. He tells Harley so of this sad fact. 

“Oh, so you’re more worried about that?” 

“How can you understand what I feel? Your two mentors liked you very much that they adopted you. Me? Mr. Stark and Mr. Rogers want to kill me! And I thought Mr. Stark is really happy that I get to be part of your family.” 

“Geez, you’re the one who wanted to get married.” 

Peter begins hitting him with his web shooter again. “Fuck you! What’s the fucking point?!” 

Harley docks all his attacks. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” He surges from his seat and meets him with an embrace. “I’m sorry, okay? Come on. Everything will be alright. We will get through this.” 

Peter stays in his arms for a little while, gathering his wits and courage. Right. There’s nothing he didn’t get through before. What’s a bunch of overpowered superheroes have compared to the past obstacles he has in life? 

_Fuck. He is going to die._

2 

Very quietly, the newlyweds climb back up to the darkened lab. They look for signs of any villainous company but there is no evidence of anyone around or someone coming. Even Dalmatian is not there. Peter asks his husband of this. 

“Part of the plan – to distract as many Avengers as he can. Listen. I am going to gather all of the Avengers in the Meeting Room. Just… we’re going to come up with some shit or whatever. You. Sneak out and go to New Asgard through whatever means. We need to take a good look at that debris. In the meantime – What I would suggest is for you to stay in my secret room and wait for my signal before you—” 

“No. I think I can manage to escape even before you gather them. Trust me. Like you said, we wouldn’t want to waste time.” 

Harley smiles at him, making Peter feel empowered. They might get through this night. The pair parts with a kiss. Peter waits a little while in the lab then goes to the window. He is about to crack it open when he notices a flying object outside the compound. It is Falcon circling the building from above like a vulture surveying its territorial ground. Damn. Karen wasn’t kidding when she said the Avengers got the whole place covered. Oh, speaking of— 

“Karen, can you give me a thermo scan of the compound? Please,” he whispers. 

“Got it, boss.” A second pause. “From what I could gather, boss, all of the private quarters are safe for hiding. May I also suggest staying away from the vents? Hawkeye and the Wasp are scouting there. Ant Man is coming.” 

“Good! Maybe I can escape through one of their rooms? Which one do you want, Karen? Wait… ANT MAN?!” 

In the nick of time, Peter dives back inside the broom closet before the door bursts open by bullet-like force. Ant Man emerges from thin air and scans the surroundings. Damn it, why didn’t Harley put an invisible mode in Peter’s suit? 

Ant Man opens his faceplate. “Come out, Parker. I know you’re in here. I saw Keener come out of here earlier. That boy could have Iron Man, Bucky, and Captain America to back him up but I don’t trust that little shit for a little bit.” He starts walking around the room. 

Right, right. How to defeat Ant Man? How can Spiderman defeat someone who can change his size at will and be super fast like a bullet? Why didn’t have a manual like… like Batman on how to destroy his comrades when the worst comes? 

Like with Bucky earlier, a sly smile rests on Ant Man’s face when he eyes the broom. 

Peter thinks, _I’m sorry, Mr. Lang. I don’t want to fight you but you leave me with no choice._

Ant Man presses the com in his ear. “Hey, Captain? I just want to let you know that—” 

Spiderman charges at Ant Man with a kick to his shin, coupling it triple back flip to his stomach, jumps to him, doing what Black Widow (may she rest in peace) taught him of caging someone’s head in between his legs, punching a little to make him lose his balance, reaching behind his head and pulling off his mask, consequently deactivating his suit, and finally ending the round by webbing Ant Man to the wall, all before the ant superhero finish his curse (‘_Motherfu—_’). Spiderman has to take no chances. He webs Ant Man’s mouth shut. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Lang, (Mr. Lang gives him a sharp gaze) but I like where my blood is flowing just fine. I promise to look into this matter. I’m sure you are not yourself. Harley and I are going to fix this. Goodbye!” 

“I don’t think so,” a gruff voice says and Spiderman barely misses the knife thrown at his face. The knife lands hardly an inch beside Ant Man’s right ear, and that earns a glare too from the trapped superhero to the newcomer, which is Drax. 

Before another knife is thrown, Spiderman shoots a web and swings a kick to the giant of an alien. The impact is minimal; Drax only steps back and he catches Spiderman’s leg and throws him to the ground. He picks him up again and repeats. 

“I won’t call those filthy earth breathers. I’d rather have you die on my hands alone,” Drax is saying. 

Drax wrings his neck and Spiderman’s feet leave the ground. He begins to suffocate and his vision blurs until all he registers is a loud smack, him being dropped to the ground, gasping for air, coughing, vision beginning to clear by the second. Drax is unconscious in front of him, Dalmatian behind, floating in the air with baseball bat in his mechanical hands. 

“T-thanks, Dal…” Spiderman gasps and collapses on the floor, wheezing and coughing. 

Dalmatian gives a cheerful beep then turns his attention to Ant Man who shrieks and tries to break loose. Spiderman can’t give himself to care that much – he almost died! He closes his eyes and only hears a loud thump and a metallic clang against the ground. Ant Man has stopped shrieking. Dalmatian descends to the ground and circles Spiderman. 

“All right, all right, I know I ought to get moving,” Spiderman says patiently. And he knows he should hurry too. That little scuffle past must have made a commotion. 

Dalmatian leads the way out and gestures him to a hallway to the building housing the Avenger’s private quarters. Dalmatian stays behind while Spiderman tiptoes around the dark hallway. 

“Karen, I need your help,” he mutters. 

“I’m always with you, boss.” The AI informs of Hawkeye’s presence from the vents and Mantis walking around the corner. 

He reaches the building. He doesn’t know which room is whose nor does he care. He knows he just have to get out of the Compound pronto. The thought of being crushed by Miss Danvers’ fingers is giving him the shivers. As for Harley, well… he just hopes that once he makes it to New Asgard, Harley can follow suit as fast as he can. Leaving the love of his life with the company of bloodthirsty Avengers is making him uncomfortable, but they both are strong – he knows he can make it just as Harley can hold onto the Avengers’ attention while Spiderman is on this mission. 

He chooses a room at random and picks at the lock (he thanks Mr. Lang for this lesson). Very quietly as he can (for he hears movements at the vent above) he goes inside and locks the room. His eyes adjust again and he realizes he is in Wanda’s room. No more second wasted, he goes to the window, peeks outside and almost curses the heaven for his luck. 

From Wanda’s room, he can see the entry gate. And there on the entry gate are MJ, Ned and Luis happily talking to Wasp and Rocket who are obviously blocking the door. From their body language, it is certain that his two best friends want to go inside. Possibly they want to see Peter before the latter leaves off to Wakanda with his husband. He should be touched but given the new circumstances, this is an awful timing (and, by the way, does the Wakandan honeymoon offer still stand?) 

Spiderman begins to panic. What if the Avengers have gone really bad at the head and take MJ and Ned as hostages to lure him out? Oh no. They couldn’t be possibly be that bad, right? Either way, he has to find a way to drive his two best friends away. 

He can’t see Falcon anymore – Harley must have done most of his part of collecting the Avengers on the other side of the Compound. What needs to happen now is for MJ and Ned to drive off before Spiderman makes his escape for him to become 100% sure of their safety. Wasp and Rocket are still blocking the door – MJ and Ned should take that as a cue to leave. He sits and watches. 

Ned is already backing away, MJ is following him, and Spiderman is starting to breathe a sigh of relief. But Luis lingers on, not taking a hint, annoying Wasp, Rocket, and of course Spiderman. 

Rocket points his blaster at Luis, and that is a red flag to MJ and Ned – Spiderman knows. The two exchange a look before the girl pulls aggressively at Luis’ arm. They pull him to Luis’ beat up van, the man still talking animatedly. Wasp and Rocket just watch. 

The van drives off. Wasp and Rocket retreat inside. 

_I hope MJ and Ned don’t return. I hope MJ and Ned don’t return_, Spiderman chants in a prayer. His two best friends don’t need to get involved in this. They might get in danger! But the van stops after they’ve reached the corner, and Spiderman loses all hope. 

MJ and Ned embark off, running back to the compound, possibly finding a way to get inside. 

Crap. He knows they are far more intelligent than the Avengers give them credit for, but right now he wishes they could be simpleton stupids who take things at face value so his job could be easier. 

Spiderman watches where his two best friends enter the building. No other choice and filled with love for his two best mates, Spiderman asks Karen to track Ned and MJ’s movements and to tell him where they are exactly. Well now that the pair entered the game, Spiderman is going to make sure that they are going to win. 

He traces his step back outside into the hallway where he and Dalmatian parted. He dodges back behind the corner when he catches sight of King T’Challa and Nebula carrying the still unconscious Drax while Okoye stand guard. 

_What the fuck?! Why are they still here?_

Now he feels a ton a worry for Harley. Mr. Lang had mentioned about not trusting Harley. Oh, what is happening to his husband now? 

He holds his breath when they are nearing his hiding spot. They are arguing. 

“About two hours have passed,” Nebula is saying. “Finding Spiderman shouldn’t have taken this long! What is happening?” 

“Obviously we have a rat in our midst,” King T’Challa answers morosely. “And I am willing to bet it is the Keener kid. That kid must already have relayed _everything_ to Parker.” 

“What are we waiting for then? We kill Keener,” Nebula snaps. 

Okoye is sharp with her words. “Don’t you think we haven’t thought of taking him down ourselves? He is heavily protected by Stark and White Wolf. We’ve shared our concern regarding their adopted son with them, but they won’t listen. And where does that take us? Nowhere.” 

That piece of information, however bad for the Avengers, is great news to Spiderman. It’s good to hear that Mr. Barnes and Mr. Stark are not turning their backs on their son. 

“And look here,” Okoye continues. “There is no way Spiderman has beaten Drax _and_ Ant Man alone! He has a help.” 

“Stark will regret this,” Nebula promises. 

_He won’t_, Spiderman wants to say. _He won’t because he’s awesome!_

They pass by Spiderman’s hiding spot without suspicions. 

“At this rate, with Stark and White Wolf being stubborn, we’re never going to find the spider and perform the ritual!” King T’Challa curses. 

When they have completely passed by, Spiderman steps outs of his hiding place to sneakily go to the opposite direction the group is going when he gives a loud gasp upon seeing Shuri coming near. 

The group looks behind their backs and stares unimpressed at Spiderman. 

“There he is,” Nebula says blankly. 

In fairness to Shuri, she must have not expected to see Spiderman there and she, in shock, begins shooting at him like there is no tomorrow. This action effectively causes Okoye to step back; who would want to open fire when there is a panicked princess already showering bullets? She misses all of her shots, though, and Peter charges towards Shuri, knocks her blaster off then webs his way away to safety. 

“SHURI!” Spiderman hears King T’Challa chide his little sister. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing!” is her cry that Spiderman last heard. 

“Young boss, it seems that the whole Avengers are alerted of your presence due to this incident. There is a rise in activity in the left wing of the compound.” 

Spiderman doesn’t answer her, only swings fasters to the direction where Karen said MJ and Ned would be, which is the right wing testing room. He leaves off the webs and runs on the ground when the ceilings become too low for swinging. He calls MJ and Ned’s names loudly as he runs. When he reaches the testing room and there is no sign of his friends, he begins to become upset. The Avengers will be coming for his throat any second – he can already hear the unmistaken sounds of stumps as a matter of fact – and he— 

“Peter!” someone whisper shouts under the gravity machine. And there his best friends are hiding under the machine. Spiderman laughs in respite. 

“What are you doing there?” he asks with a chuckle. 

MJ is frowning, “What do you think, genius?” 

“Miss van Dyne said you were all playing a friendly game of hide and seek,” Ned joins in. 

“Yes, care to explain about that?” MJ asks. “We look stupid.” 

Spiderman becomes serious. “Well, come out then. I’ll tell you—” Ned and MJ begin to crawl back up, and something isn’t right. His spider sense is acting up. “GET BACK!” he orders his friends. 

What registers to him in the next split second is the confusion on Ned’s face before the great door of the testing room explodes in fire. Ned covers MJ with his body. Spiderman tumbles on the air and grips on the wall. The lobby is on fire now. He waits for an attack, someone to come through that door. 

But who comes through the firey explosion catches him off guard. 

Iron Lad comes running in. 

His husband helps Ned and MJ get up before turning to him. “Run now, Pete! Go! I’ll stop them!” 

“Wh-what about you? Go with us!” he pleads to him. 

Iron Lad gives a firm shake of the head. He opens his faceplate and Spiderman sees that he is smiling. “Sorry, but someone has to make sure these stupid Avengers are all right. Go, Pete. If you don’t leave now… Dr. Strange is coming.” 

Spiderman wants to punch him for being right. He gets down and collects MJ and Ned on his back and commands them to hold on tight as he run off into the woods. 

Iron Lad watches them off then holds his head high as he waits for the Avengers. 

4 

Through Wanda’s power, the fire is quenched immediately. All of them are in the testing room, surveying the field. In the corner, Tony, Bucky, Steve and Clint are interrogating Harley. 

Tony speaks as if he is running out of patience. “I’m trying really hard here, Harls, really hard. And I’ll ask you once again. How did this explosion start?” 

“What? For fuck’s sake, Dad. I didn’t start it! Why would I?” Harley retorts. 

Clint snickers. “Why wouldn’t you? To help your lover boy, ain’t it?” 

Bucky shuts Clint up. “Talk to my son like that again and I will cut your balls off, Barton. How dare you accuse him. Maybe some other person is helping Parker. Don’t you dare point fingers.” 

Clint throws his hands in the air. “I give up! You two are idiots! Who else would help Parker other than him?! Cap, will you help me?” 

Steve studies Harley’s pissed figure before asking, “What are our assurance that you are on our side, Harley?” 

“Up your butthole, Rogers. My son—” 

“I’m talking to your son, Tony, not you. Well, Harley?” 

“Well the fact that I love my life, Star-spangled Superman,” Harley answers with a groan. “And maybe of course everybody else’s. Like you said, the needs of the many outweighs the need of one little spider. And it’s really no big deal if he dies or like whatnot…” he drones off. 

“See? He understands!” Tony exclaims with a big smile. 

Steve is pensive while Clint looks downright in disbelief. He tells them that Harley is just pulling a bullshit out his ass and Bucky and Tony are blind faux geniuses. He then asks the boy, since he and Spiderman know each other very well, where could the latter be hiding in the compound. 

Harley shrugs. “Dunno.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Well… I dunno. But he loves every nook and cranny of the compound and I think I don’t know.” 

“You little brat,” Clint seethes. 

Steve stops him before he lunges at the kid. “EVERYONE!” he yells, and it looks like he’s about to have a headache. “Can we just… let’s just go back on finding Spiderman.” 

“How do we know if he’s still in the compound?” Sam asks coolly. “I haven’t checked the perimeters since Bucky’s son claimed he found Spiderman hiding in the meeting room.” 

“Point number two of why we shouldn’t trust the kid,” Clint says. “And isn’t it kinda absurd? Spiderman is some kind of a pacifist but three of our comrades are already with Dr. Cho? And if it is Spiderman who attacked them, the reason he fought them is if he already knew what’s up. And there is no way he would know what’s up that immediately. We’ve had a good cover for weeks. There is a rat; I am sure of it.” 

Tony is astounded. “Frankly, I’m just more surprised you thought of all that, Jason Bourne.” 

Bucky nods. “I think it’s you, Barton, who’s in league with Spiderman. You usually don’t use your brain. This is very suspicious.” 

“Goddammit, Steve, if you don’t stop me I will massacre these two motherfuckers!” 

Harley is offended for his dads. “Hey! Both their mothers are dead! Have some shame!” 

Steve is losing it. “Tony, just check with Friday if Spiderman is still here. I give you permission—” 

“Don’t need your permission, Caps.” 

“Harley, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Bucky. We can’t trust your son. Clint has some very good points. We’ll lock him up in the meeting room for now. I hope you understand. Star Lord, stand guard for him.” 

Star Lord, who had been kicked by Thor from Dr. Cho’s place because he ‘can’t be trusted with blasters and Valkyrie’, gives a mock salute and attempts to grab Harley. Harley slaps his hand away and gives his fathers a pleading look. Bucky protests his case to Steve once more while Tony doesn’t look hopeful. 

“Tony?” Steve asks. 

Tony shakes his head and closes his watch. “No, Rogers. There is no sign of Spiderman still being in the compound. I thought that that young man plays by the rules? Oh you’ve failed teaching him proper virtuousness, _mio capitano_.” 

“Harley, you bastard! You are so grounded, young man!” Bucky shouts. “It’s the reason you didn’t throw away the spider suit when we specifically told you to, isn’t it? If you don’t tell the truth, goddammit I will—” 

“I really don’t know anything!” 

“Where is Spiderman now?” Steve asks the young man calmly. 

“I said I don’t know! How would I know? Why won’t you trust me? I want him dead much as you do!” 

Steve shakes his head. “See? This is where I am convinced you’re not really with us, Harley. It’s because you don’t understand. We don’t want Spiderman dead. We just want to save the world with his help.” 

“Why don’t we just kill this rascal?” Okoye asks. “Be done with it?” 

“I second that,” says Nebula. 

Panic writes itself on Harley’s face. Bucky clutches his firearm while Tony raises his pulse repulsor, both ready to fight for their kid. 

“Enough!” Steve commands. “Now is not the time for that. We need unity, everyone! It’s the world that is at stake (‘_Yet again_,’ Rocket quips), we need everyone on board. Star Lord, just take the lad away. He needs to meditate on his wrongdoings.” 

“It’s your son, Starkbucks. He’s just so hardheaded,” Clint says cheekily when they are gone. Bucky and Tony only give him a look that most likely says, ‘We’ll kill you when Captain America is not looking.’ 

“What now, Cap?” Sam asks. 

“We search the woods. Avengers… assemble.” 

5 

Spiderman’s knees buckle in and he drops MJ and Ned in the middle of the widows. Ned lets out a yelp while MJ curses at him. 

“It’s not my fault that Ned is… I thought you were on a diet, Ned!” He takes off his mask and breathes in the cool night forest air. 

“Hey, Peter, fuck you,” MJ curses again in defense of his boyfriend. “Now do you want to tell us what happened back there? And why did it seem like Harley has become heroic all of a sudden? Didn’t see him that way before.” 

“Harley is already heroic,” Peter says, remembering the events of the battle with Thanos. He does tell the situation though and he did tell them; quoting Harley’s explanation and what he had experienced thus far. 

“Oh, geez, Peter. This is serious,” Ned says afterwards. “I never thought there will come a day when Iron Man and Captain America would want to kill you.” 

“Thanks, Ned. But I believe what Harley believes – that they are not themselves and the debris has all the answers.” 

“But how are we going to survive the night?” his longtime best friend asks. 

Peter thinks he has misheard. “‘We’?” 

Ned and MJ nod their heads. 

“No. I’m taking the both of you home, to safety. I couldn’t risk your lives. You shouldn’t risk your lives because of this!” 

“Peter, once again, fuck you,” MJ says. “You are our friend. You will need all the help you can get. If the Avengers are the ones threatening you, you _must_ turn to us, god! No one can help you now but us. No more but-buts Peter. We will help. Now, how do we get to New Asgard?” 

“I dunno,” he says, unknowing that Harley says the same exact thing with the same exact tone at the very same exact moment to his dads, Steve and Clint. How the universe works is sometimes creepy. At MJ’s stare, he proposes, “A quinjet? We might need a quinjet. We need to return to the compound.” 

“Is there any other way?” Ned asks, deathly scared. 

“No.” He shakes his head. “Listen. If you want you can stay here or… find an open area or something while I go get the quinjet—” 

“We can’t risk time, Pete. Or you might leave us while you take your stupid ass alone in this very dangerous venture. I know you, Pete,” MJ says gently. “Ned, we must go with him.” 

Ned takes a deep breath. “Okay, I’m ready.” 

They play tag with the shadows as they make the long way back to the compound. No one of them talk, not until MJ mutters, “Late last night and the night before, Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers knocking at my door. I want to go out, don’t know if I can, because I’m afraid of the Tommyknocker man.” 

Peter and Ned just look at her stupidly. She becomes irritated. She groans. “The Tommyknockers! Hello, Stephen King? A woman unearths an alien spaceship and things turn haywire for her and the whole town?” 

“Tommyknockers. Seriously?” Ned asks. “You think Tommyknockers caused all this – this stuffs – and like what, brainwashed the Avengers?” 

“Are they even real? I thought King made them up,” Peter says. 

“Well… could be. Aliens, remember? Alien attack?” When the two men still doesn’t look convinced, she throws her hands. “Fine. Be that way. But I’m telling you, Tommyknockers may not be real in this universe but in others those green aliens might be a reality.” 

Ned and Peter stop. They stare at each other with matching Cheshire cat grins. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Peter asks. “I think I do,” Ned replies. “On the count of three. One… two… three—” 

“Skrulls!” “Multiverse!” 

“The what? She said green aliens!” “Oh. Skrulls? Yeah. Might be more probable than mine, okay. Lame.” 

“Hold up. Ned, you think there is some multiverse shit happening here?” 

“I just…” Ned takes a deep breath. “You said other universes. And I thought of Batman: The Brave and The Bold. Season 1 episodes 12 and 13, Deep Cover for Batman and Game Over for Owlman. Batman discovers a parallel Earth thanks to a phase oscillator, teams up with Red Hood and the Joker – one person, different universe – and then defeats Owlman and the Crime Syndicate. I thought they are not the real Avengers but the Avengers from another universe. But forget it. It’s impossible. Skrulls have more merit than my idea.” 

“Well we can’t rule that out.” 

“You’re just patronizing me, MJ. I think Pete has gotten the right answer; skrulls pretending to be the Avengers.” 

“Damn it, can’t we take a break from freaking skrulls? I swear, they’ve worn out their welcome, what with their tragic back stories and…” 

Soft footsteps coming from their left made them stop in their tracks. A dark figure approaches them. Moonlight illuminates Shuri’s smiling face. A blaster is in one of her hands and some unknown gadget on the other. 

They all scream and scream some more. They keep screaming their heads out until Shuri yells at them to shut up. “Will you all relax? I’m not here to kill you.” 

“Y-you don’t?” Peter asks, quivering. 

“No. On the contrary, I’m here to help you get out of this shithole.” 

“You shot me!” Peter remembers. 

“I panicked. I didn’t know what I was doing. Screw you for being a shit player in a simple game like hide and seek,” is her long-winded explanation. 

The three friends exchange glances at one another. Ned studies Shuri and the gadgets she’s holding. “What have you got there?” 

“Isn’t it obvious, DC fanboy? It’s a phase oscillator.”


	3. We’re Going Down Down In An Earlier Round, And Dear Comrades We’re Going Down Swinging

And so Peter tells Shuri of Harley’s hypothesis to all this fuckery. And Shuri agrees to all of that but the main reason she has come to their aid is because of a plan to end said fuckery. And so she relays to them what the plan is. 

“How come you’re not affected by… whatever it is, then?” MJ asks her after they heard her very absurd plan, suspicions not yet buried. 

“Beats me,” is what she says. “But you can be sure that I was weirded out as heck when Bro asked me out of the blue if a dream wedding is a wonderful lead up to end someone’s life in the most violent way possible. I told him, ‘you do you, Brother’. Then he got all excited when he heard about your engagement and I said to him ‘you better be that excited when _I_ got married’. He usually becomes stern when I so mentioned leaving his home one day to start my own family, but that time he just ignored me. Like I said: very weird. Then just after we come here the other night, Scarlet Witch showed me a vision. I don’t know… maybe it’s cause of what I heard during Ultron that I have this deep-seated distrust over what she made me see, causing me to not be super excited on draining your blood. I was like, if that is what they believe, I will just see how things work out. But I do want to see what’s in your blood that can save everyone from death. It all sounds ridiculous to me.” 

“Wow,” Peter says, deeply troubled. “But just so we’re clear, it’s because they think my blood can save the world, and not because they hate me, right?” 

Shuri says, too frankly and too brutally, that those two propositions can boil down to the same thing. She asks him why it really matters. 

Ned answers with a laugh. “Pete’s heartbroken because Iron Man and Captain America want to kill him.” 

“Shut up, Ned,” says Peter. 

“Oh. Well, if it’s any consolation… No, I can’t think of any.” Shuri stops with her pace, alarmed. “Shh. Do you hear that?” 

They strain to hear what she is talking about. Inside this dark woods on the worst night of their lives, hundreds of millions of things suddenly race in their minds. It is the Avengers coming in to kill them. It is Iron Man and Captain America using their repulsor and shield on the four of them. It is the Winter Soldier, Iron Man and Iron Lad taunting Peter and mocking him for believing he could be a part of their family. It is Hawkeye and Laura Barton coming in with Aunt May’s severed head. Still, it’s the Avengers coming but this time with a camera, exclaiming ‘it’s just a prank, bruh!’ It is the crew of America’s Funniest Videos. It is The Onion. It is Shuri betraying them, having lead them to a trap. It is Captain Marvel about to fist Peter to non-existence. Peter thinks of Aunt May and of Harley saying they should have waited until after he got his college degree before they got married. Ned thinks of his finals and how he should have searched for another radioactive spider before continuing his friendship with Peter Parker. MJ doesn’t hear anything at all, actually, and she thinks she left the stove on in her apartment. 

Shuri laughs. “Sike! Haha!” 

“Not funny!” 

“You were all so serious! Why so s—What’s that?” 

“You’re not going to get us the second time—” Shuri covers MJ’s mouth and orders the two boys to huddle close. She presses a button on her blaster. Nothing happened, as far as Ned and Peter could see. Still, she tells them to keep still and keep silent. 

A sharp rush of wind passes by. A loud _thuk!_ An arrow is buried deep to a trunk of the tree beside them. Ned wants to scream. 

Hawkeye comes in sprinting with Scarlet Witch following suit. Ned turns as if to run but Shuri pulls him by his hair. Scarlet Witch sharply turns to their direction but it is as if she sees nothing. 

Hawkeye pulls his arrow off the bark and deposits again in his pack. He looks around wildly. Scarlet Witch’s eyes are fixated on the spot where the four young adults are standing. The older man taps on her shoulder. “Come on, they are close, I know. I’ve heard their voices coming from this direction.” He leaves first with his print. The witch’s eyes linger longer to their spot before she follows her father figure. 

Shuri takes a deep silent breath. 

“What just happened?” Peter whispers. 

She motions to her blaster which is actually an invisibility booster. “I’ve made it so that even the keenest of Avengers can’t penetrate through the user, even Scarlet Witch.” 

Ned giggles like a child. “Penetrate. That’s what she said.” MJ elbows him but she does so with a fond smile. 

Peter is just awestruck about this technology. Shuri promises that _when_ they got through this, she will show him her new inventions. She then takes on a serious statement of a possibility that not only Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch are harrowing the woods, but all the other Avengers as well. 

“Which means the compound is mostly empty,” MJ finishes. “This is good news!” 

“That’s right. We better get going.” They walk like silly by still huddling close against the princess for, as explained by the royalty, the booster affects only those on close radius. 

They stumbled upon Okoye and Wasp along the way, and also Iron Patriot, who trips on MJ’s foot, but as he sees nothing, moves on. They reach the compound and hides first behind the bushes. 

Captain America is standing outside the right wing testing room, which the explosion of earlier had left a massive hole on its wall. That is not what stopped the four though. It is the sight of Bruce Banner talking to Captain America. They were hoping that Dr. Banner is an ally, but from the looks of it, the scientist looks pissed off. It doesn’t take long for him to transform into the other guy and run into the woods. Captain America looks very satisfied. 

“Shit,” MJ mutters. “Just seriously, what is happening?” 

“Right, how do we get in?” Ned questions Shuri. 

“Do you know where Harley is?” Peter asks. 

The princess shakes her head. “I followed you right after the explosion. But his dads got his back. You shouldn’t worry. It is you you should be worried about.” 

Suddenly, the wind picks up. The four look upwards and sees an aircraft. They all share a thought of _‘Oh, hell, what now?!’_ The craft lands in front the compound. Minutes later, a door opens and the Fantastic Four gets off the ramp. Captain America greets them. The four (the ordinary four, that is) witness as Mr. Fantastic shake hands with the captain. They go on to full discussion where the good captain keeps motioning over to the woods and the Fantastic Four looks ready for action. So it must be that not only the Avengers are after Spiderman, but every superhero around the world. 

Shuri and MJ tell the boys to take the chance while the captain is occupied to find an entrance to the compound. Deactivating the invisibility boost, they circle round the aircraft and stealthily run to the main door, Spiderman in the rear and Shuri in the back. They got in the main lobby and breathe a sigh of relief when they realize that, apart from Captain America and the Fantastic Four outside, they are truly alone in the compound. 

2 

In the meeting room, Harley and Star Lord are playing Chinese checkers. _Stuck In The Middle With You_ by Stealers Wheel is playing on Star Lord’s Bluetooth speaker. Harley tells him about the ear slashing scene in _Reservoir Dogs_. Star Lord only comments _‘Yuck,’_ and they continue to play. 

3 

“So aside from Dr. Stranger and Captain Marvel, there is Fantastic Four. X-Men may come as well for all we know. Not that I’m wishing for that to happen. So I was thinking, since Earth’s defenders become fucked up for reasons we still yet to find out, how about we seek help from others… you know? Have you read Adventure Comics #352 or… or just the entirety of _Crisis on Infinite Earths_? Like what do you think if we try to team up with supervillains?” Ned asks the group as they go to the left wing main testing site. “Do you think Spiderman can, you know, team up with ‘em? Do you want to go see and…” 

“Well you can’t pay me to check if HYDRA is still alive and well,” Peter says. 

“Do the Avengers have a competent archnemesis?” MJ asks quite harshly. “I mean one that would be an extraordinary teammate. Fantastic Four has Doctor Doom. The X-Men have the Brotherhood—” 

“Oooh, let’s check on the Brotherhood and check my theory. Like fighting alongside the Brotherhood would be so cool.” 

“Let me finish, Ned. I’m not finished, all right. Let’s have a rundown, shall we? Thanos? Dead, defeated. HYDRA? Questionable current state. Iron Monger?” 

“Dead,” Peter answers. 

“Ten Rings?” 

“Burnt to the ground.” 

“Justin Hammer?” 

“Hammering in prison.” Peter and Ned high-five. 

“Whiplash?” 

“Committed Suicide.” 

“Loki?” 

“Resting in Valhalla.” 

“Mandarin?” 

“Seen him in SNL last time.” 

“No, that’s Trevor Slattery. I mean Aldrich Killian.” 

“Dead.” 

“Malekith?” 

“In Space Hell with Salza and Jeice.” Ned doesn’t high-five Peter because he doesn’t know who is he referring to. 

“Ronan?” 

“In Space Hell having a dance-off with the Ginyu Force,” answers Peter with a huge grin. 

“Seriously, Peter? Dragon Ball Z? For heaven’s sake.” 

MJ continues. “How about Ultron?” 

“We all know what happened to Ultron, Mage.” 

“Captain Zemo?” 

“Hopefully rotting in hell. Hopefully.” 

“Kaecilius?” 

“Dead.” 

“Dormammu?” 

“Doesn’t want to bargain.” 

“Vulture?” 

Peter chokes. “In prison.” 

“Hela?” 

“Dead.” 

“N’Jobu?” 

It is Shuri who answers. “Gone but never forgotten. Seriously, you three are having way too much fun in my opinion. We’ll have time later on to test your theory, Leeds, but for now you’ll have to trust me with my plan. Now come on.” 

“Why don’t we just grab a quinjet and fuck off to New Asgard?” MJ asks. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see your ‘magic’, these two super nerds want to as well, it will kill them if not; but can’t you do that somewhere else safer? We’re literally dogs staying inside an open pound when the butcher is having a night out.” 

Shuri looks pained. “If you must know, I really understand you. I do. But I have a strong feeling that the need to kill Spiderman is not limited to the Avengers. You saw Fantastic Four out there. Who knows who could be waiting for us outside, or in New Asgard. And, aside from here, the place where the needed apparatus for the oscillator is located is in Wakanda. So there’s that. We need to take chances. We need allies. And this is what I came up with. Let’s go.” 

MJ rolls her eyes behind her back. 

4 

_Stuck in the Middle With You_ is still playing. Star Lord dances like Mr. Blonde. He slashes a plastic mannequin’s ear sitting on a chair. Harley records it to be uploaded in the Avengers’ Official YouTube channel. 

5 

They reach the dimension chamber. Shuri places the phase oscillator on a lever. They find a computer and connected it to it. A program Peter has never seen before opens. The princess started inputting some computer commands. She presses enter. The little screen on oscillator turns green. 

“Now, what I’m going to do is basically trial and error. But mind you, no one has ever done this before. And I had to use this ancient computer so as not to alert Iron Man of a computer activity inside the compound. I just got here to prove my theory that _everything_ can be translated to binary, even the entire universe. I have already set it up back at home. What I only needed now is find an open dimension. Give me at most thirty minutes,” explains the princess. Not waiting for their reaction, she turns to the computer and types away. 

Peter and Ned agree to keep watch. MJ, who has been feeling very impatient and restless at this turn of events, finally speaks out her mind. She knows they need to stay but this state of helplessness greatly upset her. She tells her best friends that she will walk around the compound to cool off. They don’t feel strongly on that one, but MJ tells them that the Avengers probably are in the woods or in the city beyond now to find Spiderman. 

She leaves without another word. 

6 

“…yeah, like, she’s green and she’s so damn beautiful. That’s not the first thing I noticed about her though. She’s very strong… To tell you the truth, I have forgotten what the thing I noticed about her first. Like… like she’s just there, ready to kill me for that orb.” Star Lord sighs. “I miss her every day.” He slumps on his seat and slurps his soda. 

Harley just keeps on nodding and nibbling on his pizza. “I don’t understand, really.” 

Star Lord gives him a grateful smile. “No, you don’t, kid.” 

“Say, though, Quill. I’m bored and dads and the rest are taking too long. Let’s head out.” 

“You’re not going to escape from me, bud, if that’s what you’re planning to do.” 

“No, old shit. I just want to explore the compound. I’m bored as heck. Aren’t you?” 

Star Lord thinks about it, and with a sigh, gives in. “Why not?” 

7 

MJ has never been inside the compound before. Despite the truth that she really needed some few minutes break from the three persons who are literally giving her a panic attack with their naivety, she also is thankful that she is granted alone time to explore the compound and marvel at every corner. 

She doesn’t know where she is right now at this part of the compound and that should bring her worry, but the thought of the Blood Avengers away finding Spiderman anywhere else is giving her a magnitude of comfort. Speaking of, maybe she should head down to the vehicular port and find a quinjet. 

She checks for her phone in her pocket (thank gods for dresses that have hidden pockets). Great. She could just contact Ned while she sits idle in a quinjet. That way, after the princess is done with whatever mumbo-jumbo she is doing, they can go straight to the part and they could leave right away. What a brilliant idea. 

She is sure this part of the building now is the private quarters of the Avengers. One clue is one of the door has a ‘The Artist is Sleeping – Disturb at Your Own Risk’ sign hanging from it. Sometimes MJ can’t help to think that the Avengers are just children, imbecilic morons, and/or angsty teens hiding in buff adult bodies. The part where she is right now looks like a hallway of a college dorm. She walks on and notices a door slightly ajar. There are noises coming from inside. _Shit_. She needs to alert her friends. But she stops when she hears Harley’s familiar laughter. She peeks through the door and finds Harley and Star Lord sitting on a bed, looking through some photo albums, and giggling like freaking scallywags. She shows herself. 

Harley and Star Lord threw the album away and stand up like scorned children. Harley snaps out of this state when it dawns on him that it is MJ. 

“Michelle Jones! Am I so glad to see you here!” He hugs her. “Well what are you doing here, first of all?” 

“What are _you_ doing here?” she counters. “I am sure this is not your room.” 

Star Lord becomes red. “Well, that Ant Man douchebag is asking for it.” 

“So you go through his personal stuffs. Harley, you are better than that.” 

“Hey! There’s nothing else to do, all right? We got bored in the meeting room.” 

“What are y’all doing in the meeting room?” 

Harley points at Star Lord. “He held me captive.” 

Star Lord scoffs in betrayal. “By your fathers’ command! He is keeping secrets from the team,” he tells her before he snaps out of the oddity of the situation and he realizes the thing. “You’re friends with Spiderman! I ought to blast your ass off!” Before he draws his blaster, Harley has already tackled him to the ground and pinned his arms behind his back. “Jesus on the crucifix, Harley! I thought we had a moment back there, you traitor!” 

“Sorry, Quill, but it’s my husband’s life on the line.” He confiscates all of Star Lord’s weapons and communication devices. 

MJ searches for something to tie his hands with. 

“Oh, your husband dies, boo hoo. Be a man, gosh. I know you have a huge boner for him but god! Hey, maybe I ought to introduce you to some space chicks. Pal, in another life you are going to realize that you’re better off with anyone other than Spider Scooby Doo.” 

Harley rolls his eyes. “Yeah, and in another life you save my ass from dinosaur hybrids. Keep dreaming, Quill.” 

MJ hands him belt she found in one of the bureaus, irritating Star Lord to no end. 

“And you were the one chiding us about going through stuffs. You’re a hypocrite, lady!” he cries while being tied. 

“Jesus Christ, don’t you know how to shut up?” Harley pleads. 

“Done with him? Let’s-a-go then to your husband-o, Shaggy-o,” MJ teases. 

“Fuck you.” 

Peter is ecstatic upon seeing his husband. And while they have their reunion composed of an embrace and a long-winded snog session, MJ helps Ned sit Star Lord on a chair. They start interrogating the bastard about the whole blood affair. As expected, the space rogue doesn’t talk but instead promises them what is to come once the Avengers find out they are hiding in the compound. 

Ned has never been so helpless for his best friend’s situation. “I just had to ask. Do only the Avengers think that Peter’s blood can save the earth? W-what about like the evil ones?” 

“Well, kid, you can’t pay me to check if HYDRA is still alive and well,” Star Lord says coolly. 

“Dang it with that HYDRA bit!” Ned cries. 

Star Lord decides to take the piss on Peter’s best friend. “Why? You’d thought about teaming up with the villains like some kind of comic issue? What are you, a comic nerd? You’re a nerd! You’re a virgin, too, aren’t ya?” Then he starts to sing to the tune of Madonna’s _Like A Virgin_. “_You’re a virgin! No one wants to be your first time! You’ll die a viiiirgin_!” 

MJ slaps him across his face. “Shut the fuck up, fucktard!” 

“Strong language there, lady,” Star Lord seethes. “Careful there; someone might go through your stuff.” 

Peter, ever so polite, asks, “Sir, if you are a skrull, tell us so.” 

“What the—” 

“No, babe. He’s not a skrull. None of them are skrulls. If my dads’ usual horniness is to go by, that is. Or my conversation with this scumbag earlier. They are still the same Avengers. Something just tweaked their mind that made them think about killing you is a good idea.” 

Star Lord is smiling. “Aww, you jumped on my defense. Our bonding earlier is super effective.” 

Harley scowls. “Don’t push your luck, Andy Dwyer.” 

He becomes stunned. “Honestly, I don’t know if what you’ve called me is an insult or not so…” 

“ALL OF YOU! SHUT UP! I CAN’T CONCENTRATE!” Shuri yells. 

“_…50NY-2. Connection: Successful. About to open in ten… nine…_” a computer voice begins to count down. 

“Princess, what is that?” Ned asks nervously. 

“Didn’t you hear? We’re about to make contact with another universe,” the princess replies. 

Hearing that, Star Lord starts thrashing on his seat. He says something about Captain America needing to hear this and King T’Challa learning about his sister’s treachery. 

The other three brace themselves. 

The screen on the phase oscillator turns blue. Laser of the same color beams on the opposite wall. Still, electric waves of the same color begin to ripple. The occupants of the room give a collective ‘_ooooooh_.’ 

Behind them, there is a yellow spark that appears on thin air, getting their attention. Star Lord begins to laugh. “Hah hah! In your face, suckers! I have an ally now.” 

Doctor Strange has arrived. 

Their blue portal is taking so long to open. They are on the edge of their seats. Peter orders MJ and Ned to stay back while he, Harley and Shuri get their weapons and offensive stance at the ready. 

The yellow spark turns into a full circle. Doctor Strange steps out of it. The stare he gives to Peter is as cold and contemptuous as it gets. 

The non-doctor opens his mouth to say something, but is directly hit to his stomach by a sewer lid that seemingly came from nowhere. The mystical doctor is knocked back inside the circle where he came from. His portal closes. 

Because he is tied, Star Lord can’t roll over on the floor to stifle his laughter. 

The owner of the sewer lids jumps out of the blue portal and lands on his knee. Like what Shuri promised, it is Spiderman of another universe. Everyone is speechless, except for this new Spiderman, of course. By his body language, to them he is bewildered and kind of panicking. He turns around and sees Peter, Harley, Ned, MJ, Shuri and Star Lord looking at him. He takes off his mask. “‘kay, this has gone super whack. Who are you? H-how did I get here? Where is Rhino?!” he cries. 

Star Lord breathes in, breathes out. “I’m sorry, but someone needs to say this and I think I’ll be the one to. Harley Keener, you’ve married the wrong Spiderman.” 

Peter gasps. “Thanks, Uncle Quill,” he says sarcastically. “Just because he’s taller than me? And more handsome than I am?” 

New Spiderman is about to flee to look for this Rhino but Shuri yells at him to stop. 

“You can’t go out there,” she begins. “Trust us. There are enemies out there. Super overpowered enemies and a lot of them, too.” Then she proceeds to explain to him his situation; that he is not in his own universe as of the moment but in a different one, and she is the one who called for his help. 

“I-is this a j-joke?” New Spiderman stutters. 

Quill swoons. “My god, Harley. How itsy-dupsey cute is his stutter? Forget wildly imagining about being Bram and getting on with Simon. Marry this guy or else I will.” 

“Will you lay off?” Harley snaps. 

Shuri pulls Peter and presents him to New Spiderman. “This is our universe’s Peter Parker aka Spiderman. He needs your help. This universe’s Avengers turned evil – they are outside, trying to kill us – and we have no one to turn to. So I had an idea about how the multiverse works and—” 

New Spiderman holds his hand up to interrupt her. “Avengers? What is that?” 

They all ooohed again. 

“They are the defenders of the Earth. Earth’s mightiest defenders, as they say,” Peter explains. 

New Spiderman becomes stern. “And how do I know you are not the villain, then?” 

“No, no!” Peter says. “I’m one of them. I _was_ one of them.” 

“Still is, Peter,” Harley puts in. 

“Well, yes. Err… that’s Harley. My husband. He is also a superhero named Iron Lad. Iron Man and Winter Soldier’s adopted son. Iron Man is a core member of the Avengers. We got married today, but tonight I found out the whole of Avengers want me dead.” 

“Why? For what purpose?” 

“We are yet to find out.” 

“But we can’t figure out the truth with us being trapped here,” Shuri says, “and them like preys waiting for us outside. They are not themselves, I am sure of it. The truth is out there. We need all the help we can get to come and get it.” 

New Spiderman studies her. “And who are you?” 

“I am Shuri, princess of Wakanda. My brother, one of the Avengers, is out for blood.” 

New Spiderman turns to Ned and MJ. 

“Oh, I’m Ned Leeds, Peter’s best friend. This is Michelle Jones. We call her MJ. She is Peter’s other best friend.” 

Then to Star Lord. 

“I am Star Lord, defender of the galaxy. Yeah, I’m one of those lovely folks outside.” 

“So you do know why they want to kill this Spiderman? Why do you want to kill him?” 

“Yeah, I kept telling them earlier that Spiderman’s blood is needed to save the earth. If you’re not convinced, go to Wanda. She’ll make you see. They’re just selfish jerks. Won’t you just tell them that sacrifice is, umm, ah… the key to success?” 

“He doesn’t actually know how that world salvation through blood works,” Shuri tells New Spiderman. “Because they are not themselves. Something made them think that killing Spiderman should save the world.” She tells them about the alien attack, the debris, New Asgard, and their hypothesis. 

This time, New Spiderman studies the whole group. He takes his time. They let him take his time. “I believe you,” he finally says, causing them to release a deep breath they didn’t know they were holding. “But… I can’t help you, at least right now. New York was being under attacked by Rhino when you transported me here. And unlike this universe, we have no Avengers to help me out. New York needs me. I need to go back. I’m sorry.” 

Quill once again nudges Harley’s shoulder. “Lone knight in shining spandex? How about that, Keener? He is the only defender of their planet.” 

New Spiderman agrees with him. “So you know what will happen if I don’t return quickly, right? I know you greatly need my help, and I wholeheartedly believe in the multiverse; I think you should find another Spiderman. I just got back from picking myself up – Gwen is dead, and my best friend is… this is hard for me. You have to understand if I pass up on this one.” 

Peter is deeply apologetic. “I understand.” 

“PETER!” Everyone yells at him, including Star Lord. 

“No,” Peter holds his ground. “Can’t you see this is something I have to fight on my own? I don’t want you to get hurt, guys. You also need to go. I don’t want innocents to get involved with this mess. It is up to me to solve this.” 

Quill scoffs. “Good luck fighting us alone, kid.” 

Peter thanks him with such genuineness, to Quill’s great annoyance. 

“W-w-wait, y-you’re ganging up on him?” New Spiderman asks, deeply concerned. 

“It’s fine,” Peter tells him. “W-well I mean, it’s not fine. But they are family. And I love them very much. This debris just happened. I will save them. You have to go back to your New York. To Queens?” He smiles. 

“Yes. To Queens.” 

“Well, good luck with that. I don’t know how to return him,” Shuri says. 

“Princess, please, don’t be stubborn,” Peter begs. 

“No, seriously. I can only make connection to another universe once. Correct algorithms change every second, you know. I don’t know how. I haven’t done that part of my research yet. Your stupid wedding kept me at bay. Sorry, Harley.” 

“Oh, this is bad. This is bad, this is bad.” “Tough luck. Oh why? Oh why? Oh, God, why?” New Spiderman and Peter started pacing around the room, mumbling, pleading the heavens. The other five are amused watching them. 

New Spiderman stops in his tracks and faces the princess, composure resolved. “Right, I got this. Right. I will help you with your problem first. Then you’ll have time to research on the multiverse, of course. Then… then in return, you have to come with me to my universe and help me clean up New York b-because I am sure th-those evil people are going to c-cause havoc when I’m gone. Deal?” 

“Deal!” They all say. “But what do we call you while you’re here?” Ned asks. “Peter and Spiderman are already taken names here.” 

“I had thought you’re going to give me ‘Peter’ since I’m your guest and you’re my gracious host.” 

MJ, the peacemaker says, “So no one had to fight for OG Peter, our Peter will be called Third and you shall be called Second. Okay?” 

“Why am I third? Why is he second?” 

“I just feel it’s the right thing. Chin up, Peter III,” MJ replies. 

Ned asks if it’s alright if they ‘abduct’ as many spidermen as they can. Shuri says they have no choice. Peter II and Peter III think the other Spidermen will understand. So the princess goes on to input another set of binary coded coordinates on the computer. Spiderman II, Spiderman III and Iron Lad stand guard on the door. MJ and Ned are still torturing Star Lord for answers by poking at him with a stick like an animal. Doctor Strange did not come back and they assumed that he went to the Avengers to report. 

Not five minutes later, the portal reopens for a lady. First, introduction to the lady who introduced herself as Spider Woman or Gwen Stacy, then initiation, then a heart to heart talk between her and Spiderman II. 

Three minutes in and out comes a Spiderman in a trench coat. Same process offered to Spider Noir but without the heart to heart talk. 

Next comes a little girl named Peni with a spider enclosed in a giant robot. The weirdest comes via a talking pig in Spider suit. Ned, MJ, Harley and Star Lord had a good laugh at the little guy, and Spider Ham had a good time of pounding their heads with his trusty mallet. 

Another portal opens but no one comes out. Spider Woman and Peni peek inside and find a sleeping young black man. They wake him up and order him to get his suit. The awkward Miles and Gwen immediately clicked while Spiderman II looks only mildly concerned. 

And it is all a sweet vision to Peter to see that every version of him from different universes can get along so well. He doesn’t know them through and through, he doesn’t know them yet, but he knows they will be a family and he is sure farewell would be very, very difficult for all of them. 

As minutes tick by, Spiderman III can’t help but be nervous about things seemingly very quiet. Not that he wants to, but why didn’t Doctor Strange return? Did he really report to the rest of the Avengers about what happened to him? What could they be planning now? Are they going to ambush them? Are they going to bomb the whole compound? But Harley is here, and Mr. Stark and Mr. Barnes love him like a true son. 

He consults Karen, but his AI finds nothing. 

“Guys,” he calls to his group who were having a get-together party. “I think we need to go. Princess, I think we are enough. We should stop that now. Let’s go to New Asgard. I have a very bad feeling right now.” 

Shuri’s computer is still counting down. She looks at him with equal apprehension. “After this one, we will go. We can’t leave the portal open…” 

The last Spiderman just walks through the portal before it closes. He came from a dark night in a tavern on the other side. Compared to the rest of them, he is the most ordinary looking in his suit and tie. He looks very weary. He has a soft demeanor when he looks at them all. Dorky is only what MJ can describe the smile on his face. 

“Hi,” the last of the Spidermen says, voice very soft. “My name’s Peter Parker.” 

What is in him, Peter III can’t understand that makes all of them just want to stare into his childlike but obviously tired and painful smile. What has this man had gone through in his universe? 

The phase oscillator’s screen turn red, and the computer prepares for shutdown. 

The last Peter Parker sits on the floor, exhaustion belabored to everyone in the room. Was he drunk? “I am sure I am here for something,” he says quietly. 

Spider Woman steps up and holds out her hand for him. “We will explain along the way. Come with us.” 

All eyes still trained on this Spiderman, they didn’t notice the flare of Doctor Strange’s portal starting behind Harley Keener. Only an arm pops out and grabs Harley by the neck. Harley strangles out a scream, alarming everyone. Star Lord begins to cackle upon seeing this. All of them ready their web shooters, Princess Shuri her blaster. Harley takes a big step away from the portal, two steps, three, dragging the man with him. The action reveals big man in a black and red suit with blades strapped on his back. This man, like Star Lord, is laughing. His whole body is dragged from the portal, showing the woods on the other side. 

“Oh hoho! Look at this skinny bitch go! Shut up man, am not turned on by this. Am not a pedo! The hell of a meet cute is this?! How old are you, bud? Didja know your dads been lookin’ for ya? Been worried sick. Contacted me as a matter of fact just to send ya back to them. Now, now, that’s not how you treat your old pas, all right?” 

“Let go of him!” Peter III screams. 

He doesn’t notice Peter III, or maybe he is playing deaf. He throws Harley to his back. Peter III shoots his web to his husband to pull him but it is already too late. He is tossed on the other side of the gate. Star Lord frees himself from the leather belt that bounded him to the chair, runs and jumps to the other side as well, leaving only the buff man who is already turning on to his heels. 

But all the Spidermen unite and with their webs shot all over his body, they pull at him and prevent him from escaping. The man started cursing every god there is on earth when his exit completely disappears. 

Another portal opens behind Shuri and the unmistakable forearms of Black Panther come out and grab her inside before MJ and Ned can grab onto her. They scream in both panic and anger. 

“FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU FUCKING CHEATERS!” the man in red and black curses. “FUCKING TEAMED UP ON ME! YOU’RE BULLIES!” 

Peter III is trying not to cry with the loss of Harley and Princess Shuri. “Where are they?!” he screams to the man. “Where did they take my husband? My friend?” 

The man groans. “Oh, gross. Now you’re making me feel disgusted by making a young boy cry. Cheer up, sweetie pie, it’s not like you’re going to be a widower or something. _He_ is the one going to be a widower not you. Anywaaay, who are you people?” he scans his captors from left to right, now without words. “Oh my god. You are…” The man started screaming and moaning as if having an orgasm. He collapses to the ground. “Oh, dear. This is a dream. This can’t be heaven because I’ve been bad, veeery bad! This can only be a dream – a Spiderman wet dream. You are all Spiderman!” He moans some more. 

“You, sir, are disgusting,” says MJ. 

“Excuse me, sir, who are you?” Spiderman II asks. 

The wide smirk beneath the mask is evident. “_Me llamo_ Wade Wilson, _mi princesa_ sexy. Though for the rest of you, you can only call me Deadpool and nothing else. Though it really shouldn’t matter because the weird people outside said they’re going to set this whole place on fire in a matter of seconds. Maybe we should find a way to escape, am I right? As for you, white box, I suggest you shut up before I kick you in the nards.”


End file.
